Trying to buy a house right now is akin to putting each of your fingers into a blender and grinding them down to the bone. It’s self-torture; it hurts, and it’s largely pointless.

But that’s not to say that all hope is lost! This is why we’ve decided to highlight some good news stories.

All while gently peddling Mortgage Protection, because someone has to buy food for my kids.

First up, we talk to Lisa, a 30-year-old marketing manager. Is ‘Lisa’ a real name or an elaborate ruse? Hard to say. Either way, let’s dig in and pass the metaphorical microphone over to our aforementioned home buyer.

If you’re on the lookout for a new home, you should be familiar with the key clauses that make up a typical contract for sale.

You’ve probably also read about the importance of getting these right before you sign on the dotted line.

However, while many clauses are simple enough to understand, there are a few that are less straightforward — particularly those related to the purchase itself.

If you’re unclear on what each clause means, how can you know if they’re right for your situation?

Tackling a self-build, eh, you're brave...and patient...and have deep pockets, but it will be worth it in the end.

I only wish I was as brave; instead, I'm stuck with a tiny kitchen and an enormous living room. Them's the break of not designing your own gaff, I guess.

Ah well, we're lucky to have a house. I feel for those trying to buy in Ireland. What a sh1tshow it is.

But I digress.

Here are some FAQs on self-build mortgages that you might be asking too.

Most life insurance companies will turn their back on you if you're a non-resident.

You're dead to them.

Apart from one.

You're looking for a mortgage protection policy:

You're probably  looking for the best priced mortgage protection policy.

But will you find the best value mortgage protection policy?

You will if you keep on reading.

It's common for a parent to help out their child by acting as guarantor for their mortgage.

But what if your bank insists they need to pay through the nose for life insurance too?

What are your options?

Irish banks have offered split mortgages for borrowers who are having difficulty keeping up with the mortgage repayments.

If you can’t afford the full mortgage repayment each month but have the means to make a partial payment, the bank will split your mortgage in two (hence the name).

You continue to make payments on one part of the loan (called the active part) while the bank sets aside or “warehouses” the mortgage balance until you're in a better financial position.

Birthdays are important because age is the one thing that will always increase the cost of your cover

You might say:

But what about smoking

I say:

Good point but you can always quit and make yourself a non-smoker.

You can’t make yourself younger.

Or can you?

So how do you go about getting a mortgage?

Well, if you’re in Dublin, you’ll probably look at house prices, cry a bit and give in to the inevitability of having to live out of your parent’s gaff for the next decade.

Be grand.

For everyone else? Follow along.

You're here because you're getting a mortgage, welcome, thanks for joining us.

But before we go any further, I have something to tell you.

Are you sitting comfortably?

You won't believe what I'm going to say.

Are you ready?

Here goes:

Your bank may be telling you porkies